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"We Know Our Onions" is the fourth episode of the sixth series of the British comedy series ''
Dad's Army ''Dad's Army'' is a British television British sitcom, sitcom about the United Kingdom's Home Guard (United Kingdom), Home Guard during the World War II, Second World War. It was written by Jimmy Perry and David Croft (TV producer), David Crof ...
''. It was originally transmitted on 21 November 1973.


Synopsis

The
platoon A platoon is a Military organization, military unit typically composed of two to four squads, Section (military unit), sections, or patrols. Platoon organization varies depending on the country and the Military branch, branch, but a platoon can ...
take part in a
Home Guard Home guard is a title given to various military organizations at various times, with the implication of an emergency or reserve force raised for local defense. The term "home guard" was first officially used in the American Civil War, starting ...
efficiency test. If the men pass with flying colours, they will be graded a 12-star platoon.


Plot

The platoon are examining their new
Smith Gun The Smith Gun was an ''ad hoc'' anti-tank artillery piece used by the British Army and British Home Guard, Home Guard during the Second World War. With a Operation Sealion, German invasion of Great Britain seeming likely after the defeat in the ...
(an
artillery Artillery consists of ranged weapons that launch Ammunition, munitions far beyond the range and power of infantry firearms. Early artillery development focused on the ability to breach defensive walls and fortifications during sieges, and l ...
piece unique to the Home Guard), which they have to take on a Home Guard efficiency test for the weekend. Wilson is told off by Mainwaring when he complains "do we have to drag that gun about, what an awful fag". Godfrey and his sisters have made an inappropriate cover for the gun out of a flowery old sofa cover. They are going to the test in Jones' van, but Walker has been using it to fulfil a blackmarket order for Warden Hodges, the greengrocer, and has half a ton of
onion An onion (''Allium cepa'' , from Latin ), also known as the bulb onion or common onion, is a vegetable that is the most widely cultivated species of the genus '' Allium''. The shallot is a botanical variety of the onion which was classifie ...
s. These cause the platoon (especially Pike) some discomfort on the journey and Hodges is so incensed about the non-delivery of the onions that he follows them. Before the start of the test, Wilson shares some information from a friend who previously took part in the test, where the test officer will fire a lot of questions at the platoon and then leave the room, whereby someone else comes in disguised and plants a bomb. Jones shows them his
rumāl A rumāl (Punjabi language, Punjabi: ਰੁਮਾਲ) is a piece of clothing similar to a handkerchief or bandana. It is worn by men who cut their hair and other guests when they are in a gurdwara. Covering the head is respectful in Sikhism and ...
, a
thuggee Thuggee (, ) was a network of organized crime in British Raj India in the 19th century of gangs that traversed the Indian subcontinent murdering and robbing people.Verger A verger (or virger, so called after the staff of the office, or wandsman in British English though archaic) is a person usually a layperson, who assists in the ordering of religious services, particularly in Anglican churches. Etymology ...
appear outside one of the windows, and they constantly pester the platoon over the course of the weekend as they attempt to retrieve Hodges' onions. The test is supervised by Captain Ramsey, a tough, no-nonsense officer who berates the platoon for their shortcomings, particularly Pike, who is crying from his contact with the onions. Ramsey informs them that they will have to pass tests to be awarded stars, 12 being the maximum that can be earned. The first test requires the platoon to respond to role-playing scenarios. However, it does not go well for them as Wilson is so indifferent to the role-playing that it loses all effect, Jones attempts to throttle Ramsey when his back is turned (because he had told Jones he was going to be a
Gestapo The (, ), Syllabic abbreviation, abbreviated Gestapo (), was the official secret police of Nazi Germany and in German-occupied Europe. The force was created by Hermann Göring in 1933 by combining the various political police agencies of F ...
officer) and Wilson ruins Mainwaring's test by pointing out that Mainwaring wouldn't have to push anyone out of a declining hot-air balloon as he could wait for it to land on the ground for the excess passenger to step out. Ramsey gives up, goes out and sends in an
NAAFI The Navy, Army and Air Force Institutes (NAAFI ) is a company created by the United Kingdom, British government on 9 December 1920 to run recreational establishments needed by the British Armed Forces, and to sell goods to servicemen and their fam ...
canteen girl. Remembering Wilson's advice from before, the platoon grab her, knocking over her trolley and pulling her hair, believing it is a wig, to which she responds, "Oh, you're worse than the Regulars!" Told to get rid of the tea urn, Pike throws it through the (closed) window, where it hits Hodges and the Verger, and empties all over the latter. The next exercise is to get each man over a tall
electric fence An electric fence is a barrier that uses electric shocks to deter humans and other animals from crossing a boundary. Most electric fences are used for agricultural purposes and other non-human animal control. They may also be used to protect hig ...
in half an hour using only equipment provided to them (mostly wooden planks and
oil drums A drum (also called a barrel) is a cylindrical shipping container used for shipping bulk cargo. Drums can be made of steel, dense paperboard (commonly called a fiber drum), or plastic, and are generally used for the transportation and storage of ...
). Jones inevitably volunteers to be the first over the fence, and tries to get Walker to catapult him over, but in doing so they break the only decent long length of wood, thus dooming all other attempts to failure. After half an hour the platoon still have not done it, so they plead for more time. They try until midnight, with no success. Ramsey is not impressed the next morning, revealing that he did not award the platoon any stars for the first test and only one star for the second for "perseverance", despite the fact that their constantly setting the alarm off on the fence kept him awake all night. The final exercise is using the Smith Gun to repel an assault by Ramsey's regular troops. The three pieces of ammunition for the gun lie behind the same type of electrified fence the platoon were meant to have learnt how to scale in the previous test. Meanwhile, Hodges and the Verger have finally got the key to Jones' van from Walker, and they rush off to transfer the onions to Hodges' van. The platoon suddenly realise that they could use the onions instead of the ammunition for the Smith Gun. They rush to Hodges' van with Mainwaring demanding the onions "in the name of the King", but is forced to buy them off Hodges. They rush back to the Smith Gun, load and fire the onions at the advancing troops, who retreat in confusion. Ramsey is impressed and congratulates Mainwaring, saying he has never seen such initiative displayed by a Home Guard unit and awards them 12 stars outright. The platoon are jubilant and they all rush to retrieve the fallen onions.


Cast

*
Arthur Lowe Arthur Lowe (22 September 1915 – 15 April 1982) was an English actor. His acting career spanned 37 years, including starring roles in numerous theatre and television productions. He played Captain Mainwaring in the British sitcom ''Dad ...
as
Captain Mainwaring Captain George Mainwaring () is a fictional Home Guard captain, first portrayed by Arthur Lowe in the BBC television sitcom ''Dad's Army''. In the 2016 film he is played by Toby Jones and in the 2019 remake of three missing episodes he is pla ...
*
John Le Mesurier John Le Mesurier (, born John Elton Le Mesurier Halliley; 5 April 191215 November 1983) was an English actor. He is probably best remembered for his comedic role as Sergeant Arthur Wilson in the BBC television situation com ...
as
Sergeant Wilson Sergeant Arthur Wilson is a fictional Home Guard platoon sergeant and bank chief clerk, first portrayed by John Le Mesurier in the BBC television sitcom ''Dad's Army''. Background Wilson was born in 1887, and is carefree, cheerful and well-s ...
*
Clive Dunn Clive Robert Bertram Dunn (born Robert Bertram Dunn; 9 January 19206 November 2012) was an English actor. Although he was only 48 and one of the youngest cast members, he was cast in a role many years his senior, as the elderly Lance Corporal ...
as
Lance Corporal Jones Lance Corporal Jack Jones is a fictional British Home Guard, Home Guard platoon lance corporal and veteran of the British Empire, first portrayed by Clive Dunn in the BBC television sitcom ''Dad's Army''. His catchphrases are "Don't panic!", "Pe ...
*
John Laurie John Paton Laurie (25 March 1897 – 23 June 1980) was a Scottish stage, film, and television actor. He appeared in scores of feature films with directors including Alfred Hitchcock, David Lean, Michael Powell and Laurence Olivier, generally p ...
as
Private Frazer Private James Frazer is a fictional Home Guard platoon member and undertaker, first portrayed by John Laurie in the BBC television sitcom ''Dad's Army''. He is noted for his catchphrases "We're doomed!" and "Rubbish!" Characterisation It is men ...
*
James Beck Stanley James Carroll Beck (21 February 1929 – 6 August 1973) was an English television actor. He appeared in a number of programmes, but is best known for the role of Private Walker, a cockney spiv, in the BBC sitcom ''Dad's Army'' from th ...
as
Private Walker Private Joe Walker is a fictional black market spiv (or "wholesales supplier", as he describes it) and Home Guard platoon member, first portrayed by James Beck in the British television sitcom ''Dad's Army''. Appearing in the first six series, ...
*
Arnold Ridley William Arnold Ridley (7 January 1896 – 12 March 1984) was an English playwright and actor, known early in his career for writing the 1925 play '' The Ghost Train'' and later in life for the British television sitcom ''Dad's Army'' (1968–77 ...
as
Private Godfrey Private Charles Godfrey MM is a fictional Home Guard soldier, first portrayed by Arnold Ridley in the British television sitcom ''Dad's Army''. He is retired and was previously a tailor for the Civil Service Stores or the Army & Navy Stores. ...
*
Ian Lavender Arthur Ian Lavender (16 February 1946 – 2 February 2024) was an English stage, film and television actor. He is best known for his role as Private Pike in ''Dad's Army'', a BBC sitcom set during World War II, of which he was the last survivi ...
as
Private Pike Private Frank Pike is a fictional Home Guard private and junior bank clerk, first portrayed by actor Ian Lavender in the BBC television sitcom ''Dad's Army''. He was appointed as the platoon's information officer by Captain Mainwaring in " The ...
*
Bill Pertwee William Desmond Anthony Pertwee (21 July 1926 – 27 May 2013) was an English actor and comedian. He is best remembered for playing Chief ARP Warden Hodges in ''Dad's Army'' and P.C. Wilson in '' You Rang, M'Lord?''. Early life Pertwee was bo ...
as ARP Warden Hodges * Edward Sinclair as The Verger *
Fulton Mackay William Fulton Beith Mackay (12 August 1922 – 6 June 1987) was a Scottish actor and playwright, best known for his role as prison officer Mr Mackay in the 1970s television sitcom ''Porridge''. Early life Mackay was born in Paisley, Renfrew ...
as Captain Ramsey *
Alex McAvoy Alex McAvoy (10 March 1928 – 16 June 2005) was a Scottish actor known for his roles as Sunny Jim in the BBC Scotland adaptation of Neil Munro (writer), Neil Munro's Para Handy stories, ''The Vital Spark'', and as the teacher in Pink Floyd's m ...
as the Sergeant *
Pamela Manson Pamela Manson (30 September 1928 – 19 March 1988) was a British actress who in her 30–year career on film, television and stage is best known for playing comedy roles. She was also a political activist who was a member of Equity, and the I ...
as the NAAFI Girl *Cy Town as Mess Steward


Cultural references and trivia

#This episode uses the historically accurate scarcity of onions in 1942. This fictional story echoes a real incident in which an enthusiastic Home Guard unit involved in an exercise repelled the enemy by discharging small green apples from a
Northover Projector The Projector, 2.5 inch—more commonly known as the Northover Projector—was an ''ad hoc'' anti-tank weapon used by the British Army and British Home Guard, Home Guard during the Second World War. With a Operation Sealion, German invasion ...
. # This episode was unique, as it involved virtually no interior television studio recording at BBC Television Centre in London, with nearly the entire episode recorded solely on location. Only one short scene between Jones and Hodges, which lasted 45 seconds, was actually filmed in a studio. This was due to a technicians strike at the BBC, which meant this was the only episode of the entire television series to be produced in this way. To get the laughter for the episode, it was played before an invited audience at BBC Television Centre, and their laughter was played in. # This episode was one of several tapes used as backup material for when BBC One television services were disrupted, kept at
Pebble Mill Pebble Mill Studios was the BBC's television studio complex located in Edgbaston, Birmingham, England, United Kingdom, which served as the headquarters for BBC Birmingham from 1971 until 2004. The nine-acre site was opened by Princess Anne on ...
, Birmingham. On the 20th June 2000, during a power failure at Television Centre, transmission of BBC One was switched to Birmingham and this programme was shown to the South East region and part broadcast as regional news programmes finished broadcasting.


References


Further reading

* * {{Dad's Army Dad's Army series 6 episodes 1973 British television episodes