''Phaic Tăn'' (subtitled ''Sunstroke on a Shoestring'') is a 2004 parody travel guidebook examining

imaginary country A fictional country is a country that is made up for fictional stories, and does not exist in real life, or one that people believe in without proof. Fictional lands appear most commonly as settings or subjects of myths, literature, film, or vide ...

Phaic Tăn. The book was written by Australians

Tom Gleisner Thomas Edmund Gleisner (born 24 October 1962) is an Australian comedian and producer. Gleisner co-founded production company Working Dog Productions and currently hosts Network 10's ''Have You Been Paying Attention?''. Early life and educati ...

Santo Cilauro Santo Luigi Cilauro (born 25 November 1961) is an Australian comedian, television and feature film producer, screenwriter, actor, author and cameraman who is also a co-founder of ''The D-Generation''. Known as the weatherman in ''Frontline (Au ...

, and

Rob Sitch Robert Ian Sitch (born 17 March 1962) is an Australian filmmaker, actor and comedian. He directed and co-wrote the comedy films '' The Castle'' (1997) and ''The Dish'' (2000); the former of which is often considered one of the greatest Australia ...

. Along with the other Jetlag Travel volumes, 2003's ''

Molvanîa ''Molvanîa'' (subtitled ''A Land Untouched by Modern Dentistry'') is a book parodying tourism, travel guidebooks. The guide describes the fictional country Molvanîa, a post-Soviet state, a nation described as "the birthplace of the whooping ...

'' and 2006's ''

San Sombrèro ''San Sombrèro'' (subtitled ''A Land of Carnivals, Cocktails and Coups'') is a parody travel guide book examining the eponymous fictional country,Betsy ReeThe idiot's guide to San Sombrèro ''The Guardian'', 20 Oct 2006 described as the birthpl ...

'', the book parodies both the language of

heritage tourism Heritage tourism is a branch of tourism centered around the exploration and appreciation of a region's cultural, historical and environmental heritage. This form of tourism includes both tangible elements, such as historically significant sites, ...

and the legacy of

colonialism Colonialism is the control of another territory, natural resources and people by a foreign group. Colonizers control the political and tribal power of the colonised territory. While frequently an Imperialism, imperialist project, colonialism c ...

and

imperialism Imperialism is the maintaining and extending of Power (international relations), power over foreign nations, particularly through expansionism, employing both hard power (military and economic power) and soft power (diplomatic power and cultura ...

About Phaic Tăn

The Kingdom of Phaic Tăn is a composite creation of a number of stereotypes and clichés about South East Asian countries. Phaic Tăn is said to be situated in

Indochina Mainland Southeast Asia (historically known as Indochina and the Indochinese Peninsula) is the continental portion of Southeast Asia. It lies east of the Indian subcontinent and south of Mainland China and is bordered by the Indian Ocean to th ...

. Place names in Phaic Tăn initially seem to be

Vietnamese Vietnamese may refer to: * Something of, from, or related to Vietnam, a country in Southeast Asia * Vietnamese people, or Kinh people, a Southeast Asian ethnic group native to Vietnam ** Overseas Vietnamese, Vietnamese people living outside Vietna ...

or Thai, but they form English language

pun A pun, also known as a paronomasia in the context of linguistics, is a form of word play that exploits multiple meanings of a term, or of similar-sounding words, for an intended humorous or rhetorical effect. These ambiguities can arise from t ...

s, hence the capital is called "Bumpattabumpah" ("bumper to bumper"). "Phaic Tăn" can be read as "Fake Tan". Also, the districts are the mountainous "Pha Phlung" ("far flung"), the infertile "Sukkondat" ("suck on that"), the hyper "Buhng Lunhg" ("bung lung"; Australian slang 'bung', meaning 'failed'), and the exotic "Thong On". The country was an ancient kingdom colonized by France, but was liberated in the early 20th century through student and

communist Communism () is a sociopolitical, philosophical, and economic ideology within the socialist movement, whose goal is the creation of a communist society, a socioeconomic order centered on common ownership of the means of production, di ...

uprisings. A Marxist dictatorship under Chau Quoc continued until his death in 1947, which prompted the country to launch into a lengthy

civil war A civil war is a war between organized groups within the same Sovereign state, state (or country). The aim of one side may be to take control of the country or a region, to achieve independence for a region, or to change government policies.J ...

. Eventually a

CIA The Central Intelligence Agency (CIA; ) is a civilian foreign intelligence service of the federal government of the United States tasked with advancing national security through collecting and analyzing intelligence from around the world and ...

-backed coup ("Operation Freedom") made the country into a military dictatorship which it remains to this day. The country has a popular

royal family A royal family is the immediate family of monarchs and sometimes their extended family. The term imperial family appropriately describes the family of an emperor or empress, and the term papal family describes the family of a pope, while th ...

, though the current king has been deposed no fewer than 25 times. Like ''

'', the humour of the book comes from the guide's attempts to present Phaic Tăn as an attractive, enjoyable country when it is really little more than a squalid, third-world dump. The country is frequently plagued by

monsoon A monsoon () is traditionally a seasonal reversing wind accompanied by corresponding changes in precipitation but is now used to describe seasonal changes in Atmosphere of Earth, atmospheric circulation and precipitation associated with annu ...

s and

earthquake An earthquakealso called a quake, tremor, or tembloris the shaking of the Earth's surface resulting from a sudden release of energy in the lithosphere that creates seismic waves. Earthquakes can range in intensity, from those so weak they ...

s and many armed militia groups still patrol the streets. The Phaic Tăn people are presented to be extremely superstitious, and obsessed with the concept of luck. The index of the book contains a list of almost 600 numbers the Phaic Tănese consider lucky, plus two considered unlucky (3 and 6). Turning left while driving is also considered unlucky, which causes a lot of traffic problems. Also unlucky is asking for a non-exotic massage, having more than 5 holes in Quic Pot, and to lose a lottery. The current king is Sukhimbol Tralanhng III, ninth king of the Angit dynasty. King Falanhng prides himself on being something of a musician and composer. In fact, the country's national anthem was actually written by him and whenever it is played Phaic Tănese will immediately stand and place one hand over each ear. His wife is the very overweight Suahm Luprang, his crown prince is the perverted Ferduk, his daughter is the also overweight (and embarrassed) Buk Phang, and his youngest son is Luat the Brooding, who was arrested for misusing a gun.

Geography and provinces

According to the book, Phaic Tăn is a country situated in

South-east Asia Southeast Asia is the geographical southeastern region of Asia, consisting of the regions that are situated south of China, east of the Indian subcontinent, and northwest of the Australian mainland, which is part of Oceania. Southeast Asia i ...

. It is shown in the book's map as being bounded to the south by the Lhong Chuk Sea and the Pong and Kut Rivers to the north and east respectively. Phaic Tăn is depicted as being roughly 650 kilometres abroad from east–west at its broadest point and the same distance from its far geographical north-east tip to the Pong Delta in the country's south-east. The country is divided by several rivers, including the Sirikan, Upper Kut and the Nahkthong. The country's major rivers are the Pong and Nahkthong, which both finish in the Pong and Nahkthong

Delta Delta commonly refers to: * Delta (letter) (Δ or δ), the fourth letter of the Greek alphabet * D (NATO phonetic alphabet: "Delta"), the fourth letter in the Latin alphabet * River delta, at a river mouth * Delta Air Lines, a major US carrier ...

s respectively. Phaic Tăn is made up of four

province A province is an administrative division within a country or sovereign state, state. The term derives from the ancient Roman , which was the major territorial and administrative unit of the Roman Empire, Roman Empire's territorial possessions ou ...

s (going in order clockwise), Sukkondat, Pha Phlung, Buhng Lung and Thong On. The provinces are connected by roads, but not by rail, as

rail gauges In rail transport, track gauge is the distance between the two rails of a railway track. All vehicles on a rail network must have wheelsets that are compatible with the track gauge. Since many different track gauges exist worldwide, gauge dif ...

vary throughout the country and sometimes even on the same line. In one page, the country's location is contradicted from being in Indochina to being between

North North is one of the four compass points or cardinal directions. It is the opposite of south and is perpendicular to east and west. ''North'' is a noun, adjective, or adverb indicating Direction (geometry), direction or geography. Etymology T ...

and

South Korea South Korea, officially the Republic of Korea (ROK), is a country in East Asia. It constitutes the southern half of the Korea, Korean Peninsula and borders North Korea along the Korean Demilitarized Zone, with the Yellow Sea to the west and t ...

Bumpattabumpah

The

capital city A capital city, or just capital, is the municipality holding primary status in a country, state (polity), state, province, department (administrative division), department, or other administrative division, subnational division, usually as its ...

of Phaic Tăn is Bumpattabumpah, which is situated in Buhng Lung in a roughly central position on the Pong River and at the west end of the Upper Kut River. Bumpattabumpah is Phaic Tăn's largest

city A city is a human settlement of a substantial size. The term "city" has different meanings around the world and in some places the settlement can be very small. Even where the term is limited to larger settlements, there is no universally agree ...

, and presumably the most populous. According to the book, Bumpattabumpah means "water convergence" and refers to the fact that the city is situated where the country's main river, the Pong, meets untreated effluent from a

sewage treatment plant Sewage treatment is a type of wastewater treatment which aims to remove contaminants from sewage to produce an effluent that is suitable to discharge to the surrounding environment or an intended reuse application, thereby preventing water p ...

further upstream. Also, Bumpattabumpah was previously named "Phxux Xauan" but was changed because a survey revealed that less than 12% of the population were able to pronounce it. An in-book map of Bumpattabumpah shows the names of its

suburb A suburb (more broadly suburban area) is an area within a metropolitan area. They are oftentimes where most of a metropolitan areas jobs are located with some being predominantly residential. They can either be denser or less densely populated ...

s, all English-language puns: Qic Phuk, Phlat Tiht and Dud Bhonk. Many of the names of the roads throughout the city are also English puns, as is the name of the city's and country's major airport, Phlat Chat Airport. High smog levels in the capital city mean that office blocks require no

window tinting A window is an opening in a wall, door, roof, or vehicle that allows the exchange of light and may also allow the passage of sound and sometimes air. Modern windows are usually glazed or covered in some other transparent or translucent mate ...

, a result of heavy amounts of

air pollution Air pollution is the presence of substances in the Atmosphere of Earth, air that are harmful to humans, other living beings or the environment. Pollutants can be Gas, gases like Ground-level ozone, ozone or nitrogen oxides or small particles li ...

. In 1997, developers announced plans to build the tallest office block in the world. Construction actually began but only a short while after the foundations were dug the

Asian economic crisis The 1997 Asian financial crisis gripped much of East and Southeast Asia during the late 1990s. The crisis began in Thailand in July 1997 before spreading to several other countries with a ripple effect, raising fears of a worldwide economic meltd ...

hit, meaning the project was completely shelved. Bumpattabumpah now boasts the largest unfenced hole in the world.

Sukkondat

Sukkondat is traditionally Phaic Tăn's poorest province, due to the infertility of its soil, lack of

natural resources Natural resources are resources that are drawn from nature and used with few modifications. This includes the sources of valued characteristics such as commercial and industrial use, aesthetic value, scientific interest, and cultural value. ...

and high number of

casino A casino is a facility for gambling. Casinos are often built near or combined with hotels, resorts, restaurants, retail shops, cruise ships, and other tourist attractions. Some casinos also host live entertainment, such as stand-up comedy, conce ...

s. An agricultural province, farmers harvest

hay Hay is grass, legumes, or other herbaceous plants that have been cut and dried to be stored for use as animal fodder, either for large grazing animals raised as livestock, such as cattle, horses, goats, and sheep, or for smaller domesticate ...

in order to camouflage their true primary crop,

opium Opium (also known as poppy tears, or Lachryma papaveris) is the dried latex obtained from the seed Capsule (fruit), capsules of the opium poppy ''Papaver somniferum''. Approximately 12 percent of opium is made up of the analgesic alkaloid mor ...

. The capital of the province is Sloh Phan, which is located about ninety kilometres north-east of Gunsa Wah, Phaic Tăn's tallest peak, at 2150 metres in height. Despite the fact that Sukkondat receives less than 2% of all visitors to Phaic Tăn every year, this statistic hasn't stopped its local Tourism Bureau from declaring the province 'the place to be'.

Pha Phlung

Pha Phlung in the country's northeast is mountainous and renowned for its

rainforests Rainforests are forests characterized by a closed and continuous tree Canopy (biology), canopy, moisture-dependent vegetation, the presence of epiphytes and lianas and the absence of wildfire. Rainforests can be generally classified as tropi ...

waterfalls A waterfall is any point in a river or stream where water flows over a vertical drop or a series of steep drops. Waterfalls also occur where meltwater drops over the edge of a tabular iceberg or ice shelf. Waterfalls can be formed in several ...

and mud-slides. Pha Phlung is traditionally known as the 'Land Of A Thousand Tigers' and while actual numbers may be closer to seven (counting five in the Lom Buak Grand Circus), nature walks through Pha Phlung are an excellent way to see nature and wildlife up close. The capital of this wet and humid province is Nham Pong.

Buhng Lung

According to the book, Buhng Lung is a busy province where all car horns have cruise control, set to go off every ten seconds. The Pong Delta is located in the south-east of the Buhng Lung province. The capital city of Bumpattabumpah is located in the north of the province.

Thong On

Thong On is an exotic province of which Pattaponga, located on the coast of Kru Kut Bay, is the capital. The coast is composed of many beaches. Of particular note is Zou Kow Bow Beach, which is said to have the whitest sand of any beach in the world. The beach sand's whiteness was formed in the 1980s by the rare combination of global warming and a huge spill from a tanker carrying laundry

bleach Bleach is the generic name for any chemical product that is used industrially or domestically to remove color from (i.e. to whiten) fabric or fiber (in a process called bleaching) or to disinfect after cleaning. It often refers specifically t ...

Flag

The Phaic Tănese flag has the design of a

ping-pong Table tennis (also known as ping-pong) is a racket sport derived from tennis but distinguished by its playing surface being atop a stationary table, rather than the Tennis court, court on which players stand. Either individually or in teams of ...

(

table tennis Table tennis (also known as ping-pong) is a racket sport derived from tennis but distinguished by its playing surface being atop a stationary table, rather than the Tennis court, court on which players stand. Either individually or in teams of ...

) table. It is known as the Phing Pong, and is noted to be the world's only hinged flag, which while unconventional, "makes flag-folding ceremonies easier".

Language

The Phaic Tănese language is a

tonal language Tone is the use of pitch in language to distinguish lexical or grammatical meaning—that is, to distinguish or to inflect words. All oral languages use pitch to express emotional and other para-linguistic information and to convey emphasi ...

with four tones, sharing similarities with

Chinese Chinese may refer to: * Something related to China * Chinese people, people identified with China, through nationality, citizenship, and/or ethnicity **Han Chinese, East Asian ethnic group native to China. **'' Zhonghua minzu'', the supra-ethnic ...

. There is also a fifth tone emerging, but this tone is largely restricted to use by rappers. It is spoken with an average of 192 syllables per minute.

Pyangtru Yix Qaugen (Hospital of Hearts)

The Phaic Tăn website features a spoof

soap opera A soap opera (also called a daytime drama or soap) is a genre of a long-running radio or television Serial (radio and television), serial, frequently characterized by melodrama, ensemble casts, and sentimentality. The term ''soap opera'' originat ...

called ''Pyangtru Yix Qaugen'' (Hospital of Hearts), in which the characters (Doctor Lahbkot, 3-star General Kpow and his much younger millionairess wife) speak in what appears to be a

dialect A dialect is a Variety (linguistics), variety of language spoken by a particular group of people. This may include dominant and standard language, standardized varieties as well as Vernacular language, vernacular, unwritten, or non-standardize ...

spoken in

Taiwan Taiwan, officially the Republic of China (ROC), is a country in East Asia. The main geography of Taiwan, island of Taiwan, also known as ''Formosa'', lies between the East China Sea, East and South China Seas in the northwestern Pacific Ocea ...

and parts of

Fujian Fujian is a provinces of China, province in East China, southeastern China. Fujian is bordered by Zhejiang to the north, Jiangxi to the west, Guangdong to the south, and the Taiwan Strait to the east. Its capital is Fuzhou and its largest prefe ...

, Vietnamese and some heavily accented garbled sounds made to resemble

Korean Korean may refer to: People and culture * Koreans, people from the Korean peninsula or of Korean descent * Korean culture * Korean language **Korean alphabet, known as Hangul or Korean **Korean dialects **See also: North–South differences in t ...

subtitle Subtitles are texts representing the contents of the audio in a film, television show, opera or other audiovisual media. Subtitles might provide a transcription or translation of spoken dialogue. Although naming conventions can vary, caption ...

d in a stilted form of English, with curious turns of phrase and

double entendre A double entendre (plural double entendres) is a figure of speech or a particular way of wording that is devised to have a double meaning, one of which is typically obvious, and the other often conveys a message that would be too socially unacc ...

s. This is a parody of the English subtitles often encountered on

kung fu Chinese martial arts, commonly referred to with umbrella terms Kung fu (term), kung fu (; ), kuoshu () or wushu (sport), wushu (), are Styles of Chinese martial arts, multiple fighting styles that have developed over the centuries in Greater Ch ...

movies, or an attempt at

Engrish ''Engrish'' is a slang term for the inaccurate, poorly translated, nonsensical or ungrammatical use of the English language by native speakers of other languages. The word itself relates to Japanese speakers learning r and l, Japanese speaker ...

Other titles in the Jetlag Travel series

* ''

'' * ''

'' This book advertises other (fictional) travel guides on the industrialized Costa del Pom (Iberia), Pfaffland (Scandinavia), unappetizing Gastronesia (South Asia), Sherpastan (the Himalayas), and Cartelombia (South America), as well as such specialized guides as ''Travel for Germans'', ''Family Vacations'', ''Cycling the World'', ''Hair Raising Drives'', ''Arduous Walks'', ''Travel for Seniors'', ''Tax Havens'', and ''Let's Go Game Hunting''. It also advertises its rather corrupt website.

References

External links

Official website for Phaic Tăn travels

Hospital of Hearts video

"Phaic Tăn, the final tourism frontier"
''New Zealand Herald'', February 16, 2005 {{DEFAULTSORT:Phaic Tan Fictional Asian countries 2004 books Australian books Travel guide books Australian travel books