Hurtful communication refers to verbal or

non-verbal communication Nonverbal communication is the transmission of messages or signals through a nonverbal platform such as eye contact (oculesics), body language (kinesics), social distance (proxemics), touch (Haptic communication, haptics), voice (prosody (lingui ...

perceived as emotionally damaging, and occurs when the receiver perceives a specific social interaction as upsetting or harmful emotionally. It encompasses a range of messages—from criticism and rejection to sarcasm and insults—that can cause emotional distress, undermine relational satisfaction, and lead to long-term psychological consequences. Negative social interactions can be intentional, when one or both parties are involved in

interpersonal conflict In social psychology, an interpersonal relation (or interpersonal relationship) describes a social association, connection, or affiliation between two or more people. It overlaps significantly with the concept of social relations, which are ...

, or unintentional, such as when misunderstandings occur. Actions such as failure to recognize accomplishments or significant dates can cause hurtful outcomes within relationships. Hurtful communication often emerges within close relational contexts, where individuals have developed

emotional intimacy Emotional intimacy is an aspect of Interpersonal relationship, interpersonal relationships that varies in intensity from one relationship to another and varies from one time to another, much like physical intimacy. Emotional intimacy involves a p ...

and shared personal information, making them more vulnerable to perceived offenses. While research primarily focuses on romantic and parent–child relationships, recent studies have expanded its application to a variety of interpersonal domains, including sibling dynamics, digital interactions, friendships, educator–student relationships, and workplace environments. In relation to other

negative emotion In psychology, negative affectivity (NA), or negative affect, is a personality variable that involves the experience of negative emotions and poor self-concept. Negative affectivity subsumes a variety of negative emotions, including anger, contem ...

s such as anger or guilt, hurt is more often linked to interpersonal interaction. Interactions are adversely affected by hurtful communication. Hurtful communication negatively affects trust within a relationship resulting in more defensive behavior by both parties. Hurtful communication topics can be found

interpersonal communication Interpersonal communication is an exchange of information between two or more people. It is also an area of research that seeks to understand how humans use verbal and nonverbal cues to accomplish several personal and relational goals. Communica ...

and relational communication research.

Defining hurtful communication

Types of hurtful verbal communications and actions: * Devaluationthe perception that one is not as close as thought. This can be a result of verbal or non-verbal communication where one party feels less important than they desire within the exchange. Often, devaluation is manifest through betrayal and/or rejection. * Relational transgressionsthe violation of relationship norms which causes one party to feel betrayal. * Hurtful messages – words that result in pain. Commonly these messages are combinations of profanity, threats or attacks on appearance, competencies, origins or character. Both the content of the message and the delivery play a part in how a hurtful message is interpreted. Content that provides new information to the recipient is considered more sensitive and better received than content that insults the person's intelligence. In terms of delivery, hurtful communication packaged in the form of giving unsolicited advice may be seen as more supportive than the same information in the form of giving orders. Factors such as whether the hurtful communication was intentional and the frequency of occurrence has an impact on the meaning of the event. Types of hurtful communication include relational denigration, humiliation, aggression, intrinsic flaw, shock, tasteless humor, misunderstood intent, and discouragement as probable causes of hurt feelings. Hurtful communication is interaction that causes the receiver to feel marginalized. The injured party most often is harmed by the undermining of

self-concept In the psychology of self, one's self-concept (also called self-construction, self-identity, self-perspective or self-structure) is a collection of beliefs about oneself. Generally, self-concept embodies the answer to the question ''"Who am I? ...

causing loss of self-worth resulting in estrangement within the relationship, as receivers have difficulty trusting themselves and the one who engaged in hurtful communication.

Use of hurtful communication

Communication is not exclusively a sender/receiver exchange of finite information. What is communicated through verbal and nonverbal communication is interpreted by both parties through a lens of schema of previous experiences and knowledge. Rather than scholarly research defining phrases and terms that universally are considered hurtful, researchers focus on what communication causes negative feelings in the receiver. Expressions of honest feelings by one party can be devastating to the other such as professions of attraction to another person or expressing disinterest in continuing a romantic relationship. A child displaying disinterest in a parent's involvement could be considered hurtful communication just as a parent criticism could be hurtful to an adolescent. In less familiar relationships such as acquaintances or strangers, hurtful communication is more general and typically focused on observations such as gender, race, sexual orientation or identity, ethnicity, national origin, or religion often in the form of verbal slurs and hate words. The more familiar the relationship becomes, the more specific and personal hurtful communication potential.

Responses to hurtful communication

Guerrero, Anderson & Afifi (2010) noted three ways people react and respond to hurtful communication: * Active verbal responses- Verbally confronting the offending party. * Acquiescent responses- Acknowledging the offender's ability to inflict pain and surrendering. This action includes forgiveness. * Invulnerable responses- Avoidance of acceptance of a hurtful message often deflected through humor or ignoring. Rumination (over-focusing on the occurrence rather than solutions) may prevent one from moving past the infraction. It is probable that one or more (even all three) responses occur in when someone is faced with hurtful communication. In cases where the injured party perceived the hurtful communication intentional relational distancing often occurred which complicates resolution.

Mitigating factors

Humor

A study by Young and Bippus (2001) explored how

humor Humour ( Commonwealth English) or humor (American English) is the tendency of experiences to provoke laughter and provide amusement. The term derives from the humoral medicine of the ancient Greeks, which taught that the balance of fluids i ...

influences the perception and impact of hurtful messages in personal relationships. Their findings indicated that humorously phrased remarks were generally associated with more favorable interpretations, with recipients less likely to attribute malicious intent to the speaker. This use of humor appeared to offer communicative benefits by softening the emotional impact and enabling recipients to maintain social face. However, the effect was not the same across all topics. Hurtful comments involving intellectual abilities, relational withdrawal, or personal aspirations were more likely to be perceived as intentionally harmful, even when framed humorously. These topics may represent particularly sensitive areas in which humor is interpreted as dismissive or undermining rather than mitigating.

Application

Hurtful communication studies fall under relational communications which is an interdisciplinary subject with connections to

psychology Psychology is the scientific study of mind and behavior. Its subject matter includes the behavior of humans and nonhumans, both consciousness, conscious and Unconscious mind, unconscious phenomena, and mental processes such as thoughts, feel ...

sociology Sociology is the scientific study of human society that focuses on society, human social behavior, patterns of Interpersonal ties, social relationships, social interaction, and aspects of culture associated with everyday life. The term sociol ...

, and communication fields. Researchers have produced various studies over past two decades relating to hurtful communication.

Alcohol

A 2021 study, that examined the relationship between drunk texting and

emotional dysregulation Emotional dysregulation is characterized by an inability to flexibly respond to and manage emotional states, resulting in intense and prolonged emotional reactions that deviate from social norms, given the nature of the environmental stimuli enc ...

, found a positive correlation. The findings suggest that interventions targeting

emotional regulation The self-regulation of emotion or emotion regulation is the ability to respond to the ongoing demands of experience with the range of emotions in a manner that is socially tolerable and sufficiently flexible to permit spontaneous reactions as wel ...

skills may be beneficial.

Romantic relationships

Scholarly research on the topic of hurtful communication in romantic relationships is more readily available than any other category. Romantic partners use communication to construct and evolve their relationship or as a means to sabotage stability. Partners rate their relationships based on the current communication (whether positive or negative). Perhaps due to the closeness and interdependency of romantic relationships, communication between romantic partners that is deemed hurtful has significant impact on current and future interaction. Young, Bippus, & Dunbar (2015) state the intimate knowledge of the significant other's hopes, fears and insecurities enable each party to inflict pain more deeply than others in one's life. Intimate knowledge of all aspects of another's life gives access that can be used both positively and negatively. In conflict interaction, observations from one's partner may be processed differently than a non-conflict interaction. Self-uncertainty often occurs after a negative exchange rather than partner-uncertainty. When both self-uncertainty and partner-uncertainty occur the relationship status is called into question. Malachowski et al., (2015) found when self-uncertainty or partner-uncertainty occurred, it was more likely the parties would engage in forgiveness after a hurtful communication event theorizing it was part of the coping mechanism to reduce relationship-uncertainty.

Parent–child relationships

The parent–child relationship is to some degree involuntary but both parties develop communication that provides the structure for the relationship. Relationships between parent and child is a deeply connected bond that evolves over time where familiarity and the changing dynamics can result in hurtful communications. The responsibility of parents to nurture their offspring has been theorized to result in more hurt feelings for the parents than the child when hurtful communications occur. While adolescence also feel pain from hurtful communications, adolescence may be less likely to verbalize their feelings perhaps due to the parent-child dependence that exists. Perceived rejection or betrayal between parent-child results in doubts of self, other and relationship as questioning of honesty, intimacy and closeness often occurs. Self-identity and family-identity is unstable when hurtful communication has or is occurring because eventually communication will be impaired. Since the attachment between parent and child differs from that of a romantic relationship, there is a difference in how hurtful communication is processed. In this context, researchers have identified that a negative family environment can greatly influence communication and relational satisfaction within families. Such environments are characterized by persistent patterns of criticism, neglect, aggression, and emotional withdrawal. These environments not only increase the likelihood of psychological challenges like depression, anxiety, and low self-esteem, but also interfere with an individual's ability to express and receive affectionate communication. While affectionate communication typically supports stronger family relationships, its positive effects are often diminished or blocked altogether when individuals grow up in an environment marked by frequent emotional pain. These hurtful dynamics not only affect how family members relate to each other but may also influence future relationships outside the family.

Digital Contexts

Hurtful communication can also occur through digital means, such as text messaging or direct messaging on social media apps, and presents unique challenges due to the absence of non-verbal cues and potential misinterpretation of tone or intent. Research by Jin (2013) found that the perceived intent behind a text message plays a key role in how recipients respond, with intentional hurtful messages causing greater emotional pain and relational distancing. However, high relationship satisfaction can buffer these effects by reducing negative interpretations of intent and minimizing distancing behaviors.

Cultural Perspectives

A study by Tokunaga (2008) found that cultural norms and values play a significant role in how individuals interpret and respond to hurtful communication. Research found that in

collectivist In sociology, a social organization is a pattern of relationships between and among individuals and groups. Characteristics of social organization can include qualities such as sexual composition, spatiotemporal cohesion, leadership, struct ...

cultures, where maintaining group harmony is prioritized, individuals may downplay hurtful interactions to preserve relationships. Conversely,

individualistic Individualism is the moral stance, political philosophy, ideology, and social outlook that emphasizes the intrinsic worth of the individual. Individualists promote realizing one's goals and desires, valuing independence and self-reliance, and a ...

cultures may promote more direct responses to emotional injury, with greater emphasis on personal boundaries and expression.

Current and Future Research on Hurtful Communication

Current research on hurtful communication continues to examine how individuals interpret, experience, and respond to emotionally damaging interactions mainly within close relational contexts—such as romantic partnerships, parent-child relationships, and friendships. However there is increasing interest in how hurtful communication manifests in educational,

workplace A workplace is a location where someone works, for their employer or themselves, a place of employment. Such a place can range from a home office to a large office building or factory. For industrialized societies, the workplace is one of the ...

, and digital environments. Recent studies have explored the immediate emotional effects of hurtful messages, including feelings of sadness, anger, or betrayal, as well as their potential to undermine relational trust and satisfaction. However, scholars have also begun to investigate the conditions under which hurtful communication may be appraised positively. Research suggests that in certain situations, recipients may interpret such messages as expressions of concern, comfort, or assistance, depending on contextual cues and perceived intent. For example, comments that reflect genuine sympathy or attempt to provide useful guidance may be perceived as less harmful—or even constructive—despite initially causing emotional discomfort. Despite these advances, researchers acknowledge ongoing challenges in defining and measuring concepts such as "hurt," "hurt feelings," and "hurtful interactions." Much of the data relies on self-reported experiences which can limit findings.