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''Dear God, I Hate Myself'' is the seventh
studio album An album is a collection of audio recordings (e.g., music) issued on a medium such as compact disc (CD), Phonograph record, vinyl (record), audio tape (like 8-track cartridge, 8-track or Cassette tape, cassette), or digital distribution, dig ...
by American
indie rock Indie rock is a Music subgenre, subgenre of rock music that originated in the United Kingdom, United States and New Zealand in the early to mid-1980s. Although the term was originally used to describe rock music released through independent reco ...
band
Xiu Xiu Xiu Xiu ( ) is an American experimental rock band, formed in 2002 by singer-songwriter Jamie Stewart in San Jose, California. Currently, the line-up consists of multi-instrumentalists Stewart (the only constant member since formation), Angel ...
released on February 23, 2010. This is their first album since the departure of
Caralee McElroy Caralee McElroy (born December 27, 1983) is a Brooklyn-based American multi-instrumentalist who has played in the bands Xiu Xiu, XXL, and Cold Cave. Biography McElroy was born in Olympia, WA and was raised in Modesto, California and Seattle, Was ...
. The album features new member
Angela Seo Hyunhye Seo, professionally known as Angela Seo, is an American singer-songwriter, multi-instrumentalist and vocalist best known for her role in American experimental band Xiu Xiu. Seo joined Xiu Xiu in 2009, and has contributed to every studio ...
on piano, synthesizer and drum programming, with production by band leader Jamie Stewart and
Deerhoof Deerhoof is an American musical group formed in San Francisco in 1994. It consists of founding drummer Greg Saunier, bassist and singer Satomi Matsuzaki, and guitarists John Dieterich and Ed Rodriguez. Beginning as an improvised noise punk band ...
's
Greg Saunier Gregory Lovell Saunier ( , born 18 May 1969) is a musician, producer, and composer best known as the drummer and founding member of Deerhoof. ''Rolling Stone'' included Saunier alongside Brian Chippendale (of Lightning Bolt) and Zach Hill ( ...
. This album marked a departure from the more analogue styles of '' Women as Lovers'' and ''
The Air Force ''The Air Force'' is the fifth studio album by Xiu Xiu. It was released on September 12, 2006 and was produced by Greg Saunier of Deerhoof, who also performs on the album with band members Caralee McElroy and Jamie Stewart. Production T ...
'', and shifted stylistic choices to a more
chiptune Chiptune, also called 8-bit music (although not all chiptune is 8-bit music), is a style of electronic music made using the programmable sound generator (PSG) sound chips or synthesizers in vintage arcade machines, computers and video gam ...
style, utilizing the
Nintendo DS The is a foldable handheld game console produced by Nintendo, released globally across 2004 and 2005. The DS, an initialism for "Developers' System" or "Dual Screen", introduced distinctive new features to handheld games: two LCD screens worki ...
'
KORG DS-10 ''KORG DS-10'' is a music creation program for the Nintendo DS that emulates the Korg MS range of synthesizers. Frequently people refer to the Korg MS-10, however the MS-10 is a single oscillator monosynth. The DS-10 adds sync which the Korg M ...
software to program
drum The drum is a member of the percussion group of musical instruments. In the Hornbostel–Sachs classification system, it is a membranophone. Drums consist of at least one membrane, called a drumhead or drum skin, that is stretched over a ...
and
synthesizer A synthesizer (also synthesiser or synth) is an electronic musical instrument that generates audio signals. Synthesizers typically create sounds by generating waveforms through methods including subtractive synthesis, additive synthesis a ...
tracks. Lyrically, the album touches on themes such as
body image Body image is a person's thoughts, feelings and perception of the aesthetics or sexual attractiveness of their own body. The concept of body image is used in several disciplines, including neuroscience, psychology, medicine, psychiatry, psycho ...
,
eating disorder An eating disorder is a mental disorder defined by abnormal eating behaviors that adversely affect a person's health, physical or mental health, mental health. These behaviors may include eating too much food or too little food. Types of eatin ...
, race,
self-loathing Self-hatred is a state of personal self-loathing or low self-esteem. In psychology and psychiatry The term "self-hatred" is used infrequently by psychologists and psychiatrists, who would usually describe people who hate themselves as "people wi ...
, parental pressure and Stewart's idolization of fictional characters such as
Butters Stotch Leopold "Butters" Stotch is a fictional character in the adult animated television series ''South Park''. He is loosely based on co-producer Eric Stough and his voice is provided by co-creator Matt Stone. He is a student at South Park Elementary ...
and Pandapple. The album was supported by three
singles Singles are people not in a committed relationship. Singles may also refer to: Film and television * ''Singles'' (miniseries), a 1984 Australian television series * ''Singles'' (1992 film), written and directed by Cameron Crowe * ''Singles'' ...
, "Dear God, I Hate Myself", "Gray Death", and "This Too Shall Pass Away (For Freddy)".


Composition

Many of the songs on ''Dear God, I Hate Myself'' were partially or wholly crafted on the
KORG DS-10 ''KORG DS-10'' is a music creation program for the Nintendo DS that emulates the Korg MS range of synthesizers. Frequently people refer to the Korg MS-10, however the MS-10 is a single oscillator monosynth. The DS-10 adds sync which the Korg M ...
software for the
Nintendo DS The is a foldable handheld game console produced by Nintendo, released globally across 2004 and 2005. The DS, an initialism for "Developers' System" or "Dual Screen", introduced distinctive new features to handheld games: two LCD screens worki ...
. Jamie Stewart composed these songs on a
Hello Kitty , also known by her real name , is a fictional character created by Yuko Shimizu, currently designed by Yuko Yamaguchi, and owned by the Japanese company Sanrio. Sanrio depicts Hello Kitty as a British anthropomorphized white cat with a red ...
-themed DS, and even used the KORG DS-10 in live shows, including a rendition of "I Luv The Valley OH!" from ''
Fabulous Muscles ''Fabulous Muscles'' is the third studio album by American experimental band Xiu Xiu, released on February 17, 2004 on 5 Rue Christine. The album marked a change in the band's sound, described as a depressive mix between experimental rock and ...
.''


Release

''Dear God, I Hate Myself'' was released on February 23, 2010, by
Kill Rock Stars Kill Rock Stars is an independent record label founded in February 1991 by Slim Moon and Tinuviel Sampson, and based in both Olympia, Washington, and Portland, Oregon. The label has released a variety of work in different genres, but it was orig ...
( US & UK) and
P-Vine Records P-Vine Records is an independent record label based in Tokyo, Japan. History It was started in 1976 by Blues Interactions, a firm founded in 1975 by Yasufumi Higurashi and Akira Kochi, as a record label focused on black music. The label name ...
(
Japan Japan is an island country in East Asia. Located in the Pacific Ocean off the northeast coast of the Asia, Asian mainland, it is bordered on the west by the Sea of Japan and extends from the Sea of Okhotsk in the north to the East China Sea ...
). A deluxe numbered edition of 100 copies was released by Kill Rock Stars the same year, featuring a sleeve cover printed with silver ink and 12 vinyl stickers by artist J. Morrison. Prior to this collaboration, Jamie Stewart had previously worked with Morrison for a 12-shirt subscription series. 54 copies included just the LP and its sleeve, while 46 copies included the LP, a square of
chocolate Chocolate is a food made from roasted and ground cocoa beans that can be a liquid, solid, or paste, either by itself or to flavoring, flavor other foods. Cocoa beans are the processed seeds of the cacao tree (''Theobroma cacao''); unprocesse ...
homemade by Stewart, and a shirt with the
slogan A slogan is a memorable motto or phrase used in a clan or a political, commercial, religious, or other context as a repetitive expression of an idea or purpose, with the goal of persuading members of the public or a more defined target group ...
"Xiu Xiu For Life" written in
blood Blood is a body fluid in the circulatory system of humans and other vertebrates that delivers necessary substances such as nutrients and oxygen to the cells, and transports metabolic waste products away from those same cells. Blood is com ...
. On January 6, 2016, Xiu Xiu released a drunk commentary of ''Dear God, I Hate Myself'' on thei
xiuxiu69 bandcamp
which was initially proposed as a bonus track for the album but was not reconsidered until 2016. The commentary was inspired by
the Pet Shop Boys Pet Shop Boys are an English synth-pop duo formed in London in 1981. Consisting of vocalist Neil Tennant and keyboardist Chris Lowe, they have sold more than 100 million records worldwide and were listed as the most successful duo in UK music ...
track by track commentary of their album ''
Yes Yes or YES may refer to: * An affirmative particle in the English language; see yes and no Education * YES Prep Public Schools, Houston, Texas, US * Young Eisner Scholars, in Los Angeles, New York City, Chicago, and Appalachia, US * Young Ep ...
''. The recording of the commentary includes Jamie Stewart drinking a tall and strong
cocktail A cocktail is a mixed drink, usually alcoholic beverage, alcoholic. Most commonly, a cocktail is a combination of one or more liquor, spirits mixed with other ingredients, such as juices, flavored syrups, tonic water, Shrub (drink), shrubs, and ...
"every two songs" and remarking that a
strawberry The garden strawberry (or simply strawberry; ''Fragaria × ananassa'') is a widely grown Hybrid (biology), hybrid plant cultivated worldwide for its fruit. The genus ''Fragaria'', the strawberries, is in the rose family, Rosaceae. The fruit ...
in his drink appeared "
gay ''Gay'' is a term that primarily refers to a homosexual person or the trait of being homosexual. The term originally meant 'carefree', 'cheerful', or 'bright and showy'. While scant usage referring to male homosexuality dates to the late ...
". At the end of the commentary, during "Impossible Feeling",
Angela Seo Hyunhye Seo, professionally known as Angela Seo, is an American singer-songwriter, multi-instrumentalist and vocalist best known for her role in American experimental band Xiu Xiu. Seo joined Xiu Xiu in 2009, and has contributed to every studio ...
interrupts the commentary to play loud instruments and yell that Jamie Stewart should attend a cook-out and an ice cream shop to buy a
milkshake A milkshake (sometimes simply called a shake) is a sweet beverage made by blending milk, ice cream, and flavorings or sweeteners such as butterscotch, caramel sauce, chocolate syrup, or fruit syrup into a thick, sweet, cold mixture. It may ...
, one of 40 available flavors. ''Dear God, I Hate Myself'' was reissued and remastered on July 16, 2021, by Kill Rock Stars. As part of Kill Rock Stars' "KRS30" series (for the label's 30th anniversary), the reissue was on black, grey, white, pink and clear/black splatter vinyl and included a bonus 7" including "The Ropes Have Pulled Tight" and "Cute Pee Pee". Following this, the deluxe remaster was released on
streaming services A streaming media service (also simply called a streaming service) is an online platform that allows users to watch or listen to content, such as film, movies, Television show, TV shows, music, or podcasts, over the internet. Instead of downloadi ...
and
Bandcamp Bandcamp is an American online music distribution platform founded in 2008 by Oddpost co-founder Ethan Diamond and programmers Shawn Grunberger, Joe Holt and Neal Tucker, with an office and record store in Oakland, California. Acquired by Epic ...
. In addition to these changes, the text reading "2010" on the bottom of the original cover was changed to "2010-2021".


Songs


Tracks 1-6

"Gray Death" prominently features
Ches Smith Ches Smith is an American musician, whose primary instruments are drums, percussion, and vibraphone. He recorded and performed an album of his own solo percussion pieces entitled ''Congs for Brums'' (2006). In 2010 he released ''Noise to Men''. ...
on
timpani Timpani (; ) or kettledrums (also informally called timps) are musical instruments in the percussion instrument, percussion family. A type of drum categorised as a hemispherical drum, they consist of a Membranophone, membrane called a drumhead, ...
, at the top of a
stairwell A stairwell or stair room is a room in a building where a stair is located, and is used to connect walkways between floors so that one can move in height. Collectively, a set of stairs and a stairwell is referred to as a staircase or stairway. ...
at a "crappy rental" Jamie Stewart used to live at. Stewart compliments this sound by saying that by being recorded at the top of the staircase, Smith's playing was "starlike". The lyric "sopping wet
towel A towel () is a piece of absorption (chemistry), absorbent cloth or paper used for drying or wiping a surface. Towels draw moisture through direct contact. Bathing towels and hand towels are usually made of cotton, linen, bamboo and Microfiber, ...
of stupidity" refers to Stewart. Stewart's description of the song's title being incorrectly spelled was due to the fact that
Xiu Xiu Xiu Xiu ( ) is an American experimental rock band, formed in 2002 by singer-songwriter Jamie Stewart in San Jose, California. Currently, the line-up consists of multi-instrumentalists Stewart (the only constant member since formation), Angel ...
's touring agent's son name was Grey, so they changed the song's title to Gray as to "not make it sound creepy". "Chocolate Makes You Happy" is about
body image Body image is a person's thoughts, feelings and perception of the aesthetics or sexual attractiveness of their own body. The concept of body image is used in several disciplines, including neuroscience, psychology, medicine, psychiatry, psycho ...
,
food Food is any substance consumed by an organism for Nutrient, nutritional support. Food is usually of plant, animal, or Fungus, fungal origin and contains essential nutrients such as carbohydrates, fats, protein (nutrient), proteins, vitamins, ...
, race,
self-loathing Self-hatred is a state of personal self-loathing or low self-esteem. In psychology and psychiatry The term "self-hatred" is used infrequently by psychologists and psychiatrists, who would usually describe people who hate themselves as "people wi ...
and also "just about
chocolate Chocolate is a food made from roasted and ground cocoa beans that can be a liquid, solid, or paste, either by itself or to flavoring, flavor other foods. Cocoa beans are the processed seeds of the cacao tree (''Theobroma cacao''); unprocesse ...
". The lyric "incredibly dumb, incredibly ugly" also refers to Stewart. The chord changes in "Chocolate Makes You Happy" were inspired by a
Gui Boratto Guilherme Boratto (born 1974) is a Brazilian electronic music producer. In the 1990s, he was a member of the Eurodance group Sect. His debut solo record, '' Chromophobia'', was named album of the month by ''Mixmag''. He has since released six m ...
song. Stewart also used a sample of a boy's
choir A choir ( ), also known as a chorale or chorus (from Latin ''chorus'', meaning 'a dance in a circle') is a musical ensemble of singers. Choral music, in turn, is the music written specifically for such an ensemble to perform or in other words ...
on the song, but remarked that "it would be cool" to have a real boy's choir next to the word "slavishness".
Greg Saunier Gregory Lovell Saunier ( , born 18 May 1969) is a musician, producer, and composer best known as the drummer and founding member of Deerhoof. ''Rolling Stone'' included Saunier alongside Brian Chippendale (of Lightning Bolt) and Zach Hill ( ...
of
Deerhoof Deerhoof is an American musical group formed in San Francisco in 1994. It consists of founding drummer Greg Saunier, bassist and singer Satomi Matsuzaki, and guitarists John Dieterich and Ed Rodriguez. Beginning as an improvised noise punk band ...
compared the guitar on the song to
the Grateful Dead The Grateful Dead was an American rock band formed in Palo Alto, California, in 1965. Known for their eclectic style that fused elements of rock, blues, jazz, folk, country, bluegrass, rock and roll, gospel, reggae, and world music with psyc ...
, which is Jamie Stewart's "least favorite non-contemporary band". This remark made Stewart feel "really bad" about themself. "Apple For A Brain" has lyrics that reference the
cartoon A cartoon is a type of visual art that is typically drawn, frequently Animation, animated, in an realism (arts), unrealistic or semi-realistic style. The specific meaning has evolved, but the modern usage usually refers to either: an image or s ...
characters
Butters Stotch Leopold "Butters" Stotch is a fictional character in the adult animated television series ''South Park''. He is loosely based on co-producer Eric Stough and his voice is provided by co-creator Matt Stone. He is a student at South Park Elementary ...
and Pandapple (from ''
South Park ''South Park'' is an American animated sitcom created by Trey Parker and Matt Stone, and developed by Brian Graden for Comedy Central. The series revolves around four boysStan Marsh, Kyle Broflovski, Eric Cartman, and Kenny McCormickand the ...
'' and
Sanrio is a Japanese entertainment company. It designs, licenses, and manufactures products focusing on the ''kawaii'' ("cute") segment of Japanese popular culture. Their products include stationery, school supplies, gifts, and Fashion accessory, a ...
respectively). Stewart idolizes Butters, and the song is primarily written about him.
Angela Seo Hyunhye Seo, professionally known as Angela Seo, is an American singer-songwriter, multi-instrumentalist and vocalist best known for her role in American experimental band Xiu Xiu. Seo joined Xiu Xiu in 2009, and has contributed to every studio ...
joins Stewart on vocals for the "lu-lu-lu-lu-lu" jingle, a reference to Butters' "I've got some apples" song from the eighth season ''South Park'' episodes "
You Got F'd In The A In Modern English, the word "''you''" is the second-person pronoun. It is grammatically plural, and was historically used only for the dative case, but in most modern dialects is used for all cases and numbers. History ''You'' comes from ...
" and " Stupid Spoiled Whore Video Playset". "Apple For A Brain" is about "as an adult man, being obsessed with two cartoon characters, one of which is a child and the other of which is a panda with an
apple An apple is a round, edible fruit produced by an apple tree (''Malus'' spp.). Fruit trees of the orchard or domestic apple (''Malus domestica''), the most widely grown in the genus, are agriculture, cultivated worldwide. The tree originated ...
for a brain". The song includes the lyric "dispraise for what I am, a
cartoon A cartoon is a type of visual art that is typically drawn, frequently Animation, animated, in an realism (arts), unrealistic or semi-realistic style. The specific meaning has evolved, but the modern usage usually refers to either: an image or s ...
with no friends, oh yeah yeah yeah". This is referential to how Butters is depicted as more naive, optimistic and gullible than the show's other young characters and can become increasingly
anxious Anxiety is an emotion characterised by an unpleasant state of inner turmoil and includes feelings of dread over anticipated events. Anxiety is different from fear in that fear is defined as the emotional response to a present threat, where ...
, similar to other emotional themes on ''Dear God, I Hate Myself''. The weeping sound in the song is a slowed-down and backwards sample from the film ''
Double Suicide is a 1969 Japanese historical drama film directed by Masahiro Shinoda. It is based on the 1721 bunraku (traditional puppet theatre) play ''The Love Suicides at Amijima'' by Monzaemon Chikamatsu. Plot Jihei works as a paper merchant in the Te ...
''. The
flute The flute is a member of a family of musical instruments in the woodwind group. Like all woodwinds, flutes are aerophones, producing sound with a vibrating column of air. Flutes produce sound when the player's air flows across an opening. In th ...
sound at the end is from an
Optigan The Optigan (a portmanteau of ''optical organ'') is an electronic keyboard instrument designed for the consumer market. The name stems from the instrument's reliance on pre-recorded optical soundtracks to reproduce sound. Later versions (built un ...
keyboard. "House Sparrow" was initially "a complete disaster" before it was re-arranged by Greg Saunier, who Stewart refers to as "the
maestro Maestro (; from the Italian '' maestro'' , meaning " master" or "teacher," plural: maestros or maestri) is an honorific title of respect, sometimes abbreviated Mo. The term is most commonly used in the context of Western classical music and oper ...
". Saunier also plays
bass guitar The bass guitar (), also known as the electric bass guitar, electric bass, or simply the bass, is the lowest-pitched member of the guitar family. It is similar in appearance and construction to an Electric guitar, electric but with a longer nec ...
on the song. "House Sparrow"'s subject is American
necrophile Necrophilia, also known as necrophilism, necrolagnia, necrocoitus, necrochlesis, and thanatophilia, is sexual attraction or acts involving corpses. It is classified as a paraphilia by the World Health Organization (WHO) in its ''International ...
and
cannibalistic Cannibalism is the act of consuming another individual of the same species as food. Cannibalism is a common ecological interaction in the animal kingdom and has been recorded in more than 1,500 species. Human cannibalism is also well documente ...
serial killer A serial killer (also called a serial murderer) is a person who murders three or more people,An offender can be anyone: * * * * * (This source only requires two people) with the killings taking place over a significant period of time in separat ...
Richard Chase Richard Trenton Chase (May 23, 1950 – December 26, 1980) was an American serial killer, cannibal, and necrophile who killed six people in Sacramento, California, from December 1977 to January 1978. He was nicknamed The Vampire of Sacramen ...
. A
music video A music video is a video that integrates a song or an album with imagery that is produced for promotion (marketing), promotional or musical artistic purposes. Modern music videos are primarily made and used as a music marketing device intended to ...
for "House Sparrow" was released, directed by
Jason LaRay Keener Jason LaRay Keener (born May 12, 1985) is an American music composer and filmmaker from Alabama. Reining Nails & ''Catfish with Falcon Wings'' In 2006, Keener founded his production company, Reining Nails. From 2006 to 2009, he directed several ...
. The music video features footage of children playing with
snail A snail is a shelled gastropod. The name is most often applied to land snails, terrestrial molluscs, terrestrial pulmonate gastropod molluscs. However, the common name ''snail'' is also used for most of the members of the molluscan class Gas ...
s interspersed with zoomed-in
spermatozoon A spermatozoon (; also spelled spermatozoön; : spermatozoa; ) is a motile sperm cell (biology), cell produced by male animals relying on internal fertilization. A spermatozoon is a moving form of the ploidy, haploid cell (biology), cell that is ...
s, which shortly cuts to news reports about a fictional
missing child Child abduction or child theft is the unauthorized removal of a minor (a child under the age of legal adulthood) from the custody of the child's natural parents or legally appointed guardians. The term ''child abduction'' includes two legal ...
and the
search-and-rescue Search and rescue (SAR) is the search for and provision of aid to people who are in distress or imminent danger. The general field of search and rescue includes many specialty sub-fields, typically determined by the type of terrain the search ...
operation that followed her disappearance. "Hyunhye's Theme" was the first song written for ''Dear God, I Hate Myself'' that made it onto the final tracklist, which Stewart comments on by saying that "five or so songs" were written before "Hyunhye's Theme" that did not make it onto any Xiu Xiu project. "Hyunhye's Theme" also includes nods to a
Korean diaspora The Korean diaspora consists of around 7.3 million people, both descendants of early emigrants from the Korea, Korean Peninsula, as well as more recent emigrants from Korea. Around 84.5% of overseas Koreans live in just five countries: the Unit ...
that exists in a
Los Angeles Los Angeles, often referred to by its initials L.A., is the List of municipalities in California, most populous city in the U.S. state of California, and the commercial, Financial District, Los Angeles, financial, and Culture of Los Angeles, ...
valley, as well as the Xiu Xiu song " I Luv The Valley OH!" which is about, "amongst other things", the aforementioned valley. Musically, "Hyunhye's Theme" is also a tribute to
Brazil Brazil, officially the Federative Republic of Brazil, is the largest country in South America. It is the world's List of countries and dependencies by area, fifth-largest country by area and the List of countries and dependencies by population ...
ian composer
Tom Zé Antônio José Santana Martins (born 11 October 1936), known professionally as Tom Zé (), Born in Irará, Bahia, is a Brazilian singer-songwriter, multi-instrumentalist, and composer who was influential in the Tropicália movement of 1960s Br ...
, who influenced the song by influencing Xiu Xiu to use industrial sounds and
musique concrète Musique concrète (; ): " problem for any translator of an academic work in French is that the language is relatively abstract and theoretical compared to English; one might even say that the mode of thinking itself tends to be more schematic ...
. "Hyunhye" refers to Hyunhye Seo, the birth-name of Xiu Xiu member Angela Seo. The title track, "Dear God, I Hate Myself" included
drum machine A drum machine is an electronic musical instrument that creates percussion sounds, drum beats, and patterns. Drum machines may imitate drum kits or other percussion instruments, or produce unique sounds, such as synthesized electronic tones. A d ...
and
synthesizer A synthesizer (also synthesiser or synth) is an electronic musical instrument that generates audio signals. Synthesizers typically create sounds by generating waveforms through methods including subtractive synthesis, additive synthesis a ...
sounds done on the
KORG DS-10 ''KORG DS-10'' is a music creation program for the Nintendo DS that emulates the Korg MS range of synthesizers. Frequently people refer to the Korg MS-10, however the MS-10 is a single oscillator monosynth. The DS-10 adds sync which the Korg M ...
. The
guitar The guitar is a stringed musical instrument that is usually fretted (with Fretless guitar, some exceptions) and typically has six or Twelve-string guitar, twelve strings. It is usually held flat against the player's body and played by strumming ...
on "Dear God, I Hate Myself" was influenced by
Tom Petty Thomas Earl Petty (October 20, 1950October 2, 2017) was an American singer, songwriter, and musician. He was the leader and frontman of the Rock music, rock bands Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers and Mudcrutch and a member of the late 1980s sup ...
's style of guitars. Stewart later called the lyrics on "Dear God, I Hate Myself" "laughably direct", a result of a period where Stewart could write "one of those rare songs where the lyrics just poured out, because it was happening at that moment and I could write everything that was occurring, without having to analyze it or look into the back pages of some
masterwork A masterpiece, , or ; ; ) is a creation that has been given much critical praise, especially one that is considered the greatest work of a person's career or a work of outstanding creativity, skill, profundity, or workmanship. Historically, ...
of
literature Literature is any collection of Writing, written work, but it is also used more narrowly for writings specifically considered to be an art form, especially novels, Play (theatre), plays, and poetry, poems. It includes both print and Electroni ...
and just steal lines from it." The lyric "Flip off the mirror in protest, who the F-word are you?" is a nod to "I Broke Up (SJ)" from ''
Knife Play Knife play is a form of consensual BDSM edgeplay involving knives, daggers, and swords as a source of physical and mental stimulation. Knives are typically used to cut away clothing, scratch the skin, remove wax after wax play, or simply provid ...
''. The
cymbal A cymbal is a common percussion instrument. Often used in pairs, cymbals consist of thin, normally round plates of various alloys. The majority of cymbals are of indefinite pitch, although small disc-shaped cymbals based on ancient designs sou ...
crash in the song was also adopted from "Gayle Lynn" from '' Women as Lovers.'' A music video for "Dear God, I Hate Myself" was released on February 1, 2010. The video features Xiu Xiu member Angela Seo forcing her hands down her throat and frequently
vomiting Vomiting (also known as emesis, puking and throwing up) is the forceful expulsion of the contents of one's stomach through the mouth and sometimes the nose. Vomiting can be the result of ailments like food poisoning, gastroenteritis, pre ...
, while Jamie Stewart eats a large and expensive Escazu
chocolate bar A chocolate bar is a confection containing chocolate, which may also contain layerings or mixtures that include nut (fruit), nuts, fruit, caramel, nougat, and wafers. A flat, easily breakable, chocolate bar is also called a tablet. In some variet ...
. Eventually, the video culminates with Seo vomiting on Stewart, who has been dancing throughout the video's duration. The video was taken down by
YouTube YouTube is an American social media and online video sharing platform owned by Google. YouTube was founded on February 14, 2005, by Steve Chen, Chad Hurley, and Jawed Karim who were three former employees of PayPal. Headquartered in ...
for a "terms of use" violation, and eventually re-uploaded to
Vimeo Vimeo ( ) is an American Online video platform, video hosting, sharing, and services provider founded in 2004 and headquartered in New York City. Vimeo focuses on the delivery of high-definition video across a range of devices and operates on a ...
. ''The Harvard Crimson'' said that the
meter The metre (or meter in US spelling; symbol: m) is the base unit of length in the International System of Units (SI). Since 2019, the metre has been defined as the length of the path travelled by light in vacuum during a time interval of of ...
of "Dear God, I Hate Myself" brings to mind the "driving compositions" of New Order.


Tracks 7-12

"Secret Motel" was composed entirely using the
KORG DS-10 ''KORG DS-10'' is a music creation program for the Nintendo DS that emulates the Korg MS range of synthesizers. Frequently people refer to the Korg MS-10, however the MS-10 is a single oscillator monosynth. The DS-10 adds sync which the Korg M ...
software. "Secret Motel" was written on
train A train (from Old French , from Latin">-4; we might wonder whether there's a point at which it's appropriate to talk of the beginnings of French, that is, when it wa ... , from Latin , "to pull, to draw") is a series of connected vehicles th ...
s while Xiu Xiu was traveling during a 2010
Europe Europe is a continent located entirely in the Northern Hemisphere and mostly in the Eastern Hemisphere. It is bordered by the Arctic Ocean to the north, the Atlantic Ocean to the west, the Mediterranean Sea to the south, and Asia to the east ...
an tour. Stewart has called the sounds on "Secret Motel" "incredibly fast and intertwining lines going bonkers all up and down multiple octaves with zimzam death-cute sounds". The cymbal crash on "Secret Motel" was also taken from "Gayle Lynn" from '' Women as Lovers'', similarly to the previous track. The song also features a period of vocal scatting and beeping on a toy
stylophone The Stylophone is a miniature analog synthesizer played with a stylus. Invented in 1967 by Brian Jarvis, it entered production in 1968, manufactured by Dubreq. Some three million Stylophones were sold, mostly as children's toys, but they we ...
. "Falkland Rd." is about
sex trafficking Sex trafficking is human trafficking for the purpose of sexual exploitation. Perpetrators of the crime are called sex traffickers or pimps—people who manipulate victims to engage in various forms of commercial sex with paying customers. Se ...
and includes lines from ''Sex Trafficking: Inside The Business of Modern Slavery'' by
Siddharth Kara Siddharth Kara is an American author. He is a Pulitzer Prize finalist, a British Academy Global Professor, and an associate professor at the University of Nottingham. He is best known for his book ''Cobalt Red: How the Blood of the Congo Powers Ou ...
. The "Falkland Rd." title refers to the real-life Falkland Road in
New Delhi New Delhi (; ) is the Capital city, capital of India and a part of the Delhi, National Capital Territory of Delhi (NCT). New Delhi is the seat of all three branches of the Government of India, hosting the Rashtrapati Bhavan, New Parliament ...
, the city's "notorious
red-light district A red-light district or pleasure district is a part of an urban area where a concentration of prostitution and sex industry, sex-oriented businesses, such as sex shops, strip clubs, and adult theaters, are found. In most cases, red-light district ...
" which according to Stewart, contained many underage
sex worker A sex worker is a person who provides sex work, either on a regular or occasional basis. The term is used in reference to those who work in all areas of the sex industry.Oxford English Dictionary, "sex worker" According to one view, sex work is ...
s from
Nepal Nepal, officially the Federal Democratic Republic of Nepal, is a landlocked country in South Asia. It is mainly situated in the Himalayas, but also includes parts of the Indo-Gangetic Plain. It borders the Tibet Autonomous Region of China Ch ...
who were terrorized and trafficked. Ches Smith also plays
vibraphone The vibraphone (also called the vibraharp) is a percussion instrument in the metallophone family. It consists of tuned metal bars and is typically played by using Percussion mallet, mallets to strike the bars. A person who plays the vibraphone ...
on "Falkland Rd." "The Fabrizio Palumbo Retaliation" is named after Fabrizio Palumbo of Larsen, (r), Blind Cave Salamander and XXL (a collaboration between Xiu Xiu and Larsen). The working title of "The Fabrizio Palumbo Retaliation" was "Pinot Pinot", named after a two-person band that Stewart had encountered while working in
college radio Campus radio (also known as college radio, university radio or student radio) is a type of radio station that is run by the students of a college, university or other educational institution. Programming may be exclusively created or produced ...
. Stewart also remarks that they was "the first person to ever record Ragady Anne" (who later became
The Donnas The Donnas were an American rock band formed in Palo Alto, California, in 1993. The band consisted of Brett Anderson (lead vocals), Allison Robertson (guitar, backing vocals), Maya Ford (bass guitar, backing vocals) and Torry Castellano (dr ...
) during this time period after meeting Pinot Pinot. "Cumberland Gap" is an interpolation of the traditional song of the same name. John Dieterich of Deerhoof played everything on "Cumberland Gap" (including the quatro and the dobro) with the exception of the
banjo The banjo is a stringed instrument with a thin membrane stretched over a frame or cavity to form a resonator. The membrane is typically circular, and in modern forms is usually made of plastic, where early membranes were made of animal skin. ...
and vocals (by Stewart). Stewart's uncle, John Stewart, influenced Stewart's banjo playing on the song. "This Too Shall Pass Away (For Freddy)" is the penultimate track of ''Dear God, I Hate Myself'', and is the song on the record that most features the high school / junior high Immaculata Catholic School Orchestra on brass and woodwinds. Stewart marks that it was "extremely enjoyable" to work with these "catholic young adults of North Carolina". "This Too Shall Pass Away" was called an "ode to heartbreak and healing" by ''Terrorbird''. The song received a
music video A music video is a video that integrates a song or an album with imagery that is produced for promotion (marketing), promotional or musical artistic purposes. Modern music videos are primarily made and used as a music marketing device intended to ...
directed by
C. Spencer Yeh Burning Star Core is the experimental music project of violinist C. Spencer Yeh. Originally conceived 1993 in Cincinnati, the project is currently based in Brooklyn, New York. Composing music that's driven by his violin, Yeh's Burning Star Core p ...
, and portrays "young 20-something life in the style of an overhead '
dungeon crawl A dungeon crawl is a type of scenario in fantasy role-playing games (RPGs) in which heroes navigate a labyrinth environment (a "dungeon"), battling various monsters, avoiding traps, solving puzzles, and looting any treasure they may find. Video g ...
er'
video game A video game or computer game is an electronic game that involves interaction with a user interface or input device (such as a joystick, game controller, controller, computer keyboard, keyboard, or motion sensing device) to generate visual fe ...
" similar to ''
The Legend of Zelda is a media franchise, video game series created by the Japanese game designers Shigeru Miyamoto and Takashi Tezuka. It is primarily developed and published by Nintendo; some portable installments and re-releases have been outsourced to Flags ...
'' and ''
The Real World ''The Real World'' (known as ''Real World'' from 2014 to 2017) is an American reality television series produced through MTV and Bunim/Murray Productions that most recently aired on Facebook Watch after airing on MTV from 1992 to 2017. It wa ...
''. Yeh had previously directed a video for
Deerhoof Deerhoof is an American musical group formed in San Francisco in 1994. It consists of founding drummer Greg Saunier, bassist and singer Satomi Matsuzaki, and guitarists John Dieterich and Ed Rodriguez. Beginning as an improvised noise punk band ...
's " Buck and Judy", and repurposed the style in the music video for "This Too Shall Pass Away". The composition of "This Too Shall Pass Away" include bells ran through the Enigma plugin for the
Waves United States Naval Reserve (Women's Reserve), better known as the WAVES (for Women Accepted for Volunteer Emergency Service), was the women's branch of the United States Naval Reserve during World War II. It was established on July 21, 1942, ...
software, which Stewart remarked "made the bells sound like a de-tuned electro gamalan." The "Steven" mentioned in the song is
Steven Morrissey Steven Patrick Morrissey ( ; born 22 May 1959), known :wikt:mononym, mononymously as Morrissey, is an English singer and songwriter. He came to prominence as the frontman and lyricist of rock band the Smiths, who were active from 1982 to 198 ...
, who Stewart has previously mentioned being a fan of, listening to ''
The Queen Is Dead ''The Queen Is Dead'' is the third studio album by the English rock band the Smiths, released on 16 June 1986, by Rough Trade Records. Following the release of their second album '' Meat Is Murder'', the Smiths retreated to Greater Manchester ...
'' by Morrissey's band
The Smiths The Smiths were an English Rock music, rock band formed in Manchester in 1982, composed of Morrissey (vocals), Johnny Marr (guitar), Andy Rourke (bass) and Mike Joyce (musician), Mike Joyce (drums). Morrissey and Marr formed the band's songwrit ...
during the making of ''
The Air Force ''The Air Force'' is the fifth studio album by Xiu Xiu. It was released on September 12, 2006 and was produced by Greg Saunier of Deerhoof, who also performs on the album with band members Caralee McElroy and Jamie Stewart. Production T ...
''. "Impossible Feeling" contains piano played by Angela Seo. "Impossible Feeling" is also the only song on ''Dear God, I Hate Myself'' which contains real
drums The drum is a member of the percussion instrument, percussion group of musical instruments. In the Hornbostel–Sachs classification system, it is a membranophones, membranophone. Drums consist of at least one Acoustic membrane, membrane, c ...
, recorded before Stewart moved to Durham in
Oakland, California Oakland is a city in the East Bay region of the San Francisco Bay Area in the U.S. state of California. It is the county seat and most populous city in Alameda County, California, Alameda County, with a population of 440,646 in 2020. A major We ...
. Ches Smith played and recorded the drum set in an apartment building. The song ends with a "long drone" which was "stolen from someone else", who Stewart never mentioned. Stewart remarked that "who doesn't (steal ideas from other people), except
Jesus Christ Jesus (AD 30 or 33), also referred to as Jesus Christ, Jesus of Nazareth, and many Names and titles of Jesus in the New Testament, other names and titles, was a 1st-century Jewish preacher and religious leader. He is the Jesus in Chris ...
,
Abraham Abraham (originally Abram) is the common Hebrews, Hebrew Patriarchs (Bible), patriarch of the Abrahamic religions, including Judaism, Christianity, and Islam. In Judaism, he is the founding father who began the Covenant (biblical), covenanta ...
,
Buddha Siddhartha Gautama, most commonly referred to as the Buddha (),* * * was a wandering ascetic and religious teacher who lived in South Asia during the 6th or 5th century BCE and founded Buddhism. According to Buddhist legends, he was ...
, and
Muhammad Muhammad (8 June 632 CE) was an Arab religious and political leader and the founder of Islam. Muhammad in Islam, According to Islam, he was a prophet who was divinely inspired to preach and confirm the tawhid, monotheistic teachings of A ...
." During the recording of the drunk commentary for ''Dear God, I Hate Myself'', Angela Seo interrupted the commentary of this track to loudly play instruments and demand that Jamie Stewart get a
milkshake A milkshake (sometimes simply called a shake) is a sweet beverage made by blending milk, ice cream, and flavorings or sweeteners such as butterscotch, caramel sauce, chocolate syrup, or fruit syrup into a thick, sweet, cold mixture. It may ...
, one of 40 flavors.


Bonus tracks

"The Ropes Have Pulled Tight" references the Immaculata Catholic School, the Orchestra of which was prominently used in "This Too Shall Pass Away (For Freddy)" among other tracks. "Cute Pee Pee" is a
fetishistic A fetish is an object believed to have supernatural powers, or in particular, a human-made object that has power over others. Essentially, fetishism is the attribution of inherent non-material value, or powers, to an object. Talismans and amulets ...
depiction of a mouth being filled with urine.


Themes

"Chocolate Makes You Happy" is about an
eating disorder An eating disorder is a mental disorder defined by abnormal eating behaviors that adversely affect a person's health, physical or mental health, mental health. These behaviors may include eating too much food or too little food. Types of eatin ...
, depicting the subject of the song forcing their hands down their throat to vomit. "Apple for a Brain" depicts Jamie Stewart's fanaticism for fictional characters
Butters Stotch Leopold "Butters" Stotch is a fictional character in the adult animated television series ''South Park''. He is loosely based on co-producer Eric Stough and his voice is provided by co-creator Matt Stone. He is a student at South Park Elementary ...
(of ''
South Park ''South Park'' is an American animated sitcom created by Trey Parker and Matt Stone, and developed by Brian Graden for Comedy Central. The series revolves around four boysStan Marsh, Kyle Broflovski, Eric Cartman, and Kenny McCormickand the ...
'') and Pandapple (of
Sanrio is a Japanese entertainment company. It designs, licenses, and manufactures products focusing on the ''kawaii'' ("cute") segment of Japanese popular culture. Their products include stationery, school supplies, gifts, and Fashion accessory, a ...
fame). The lyrics for "Apple for a Brain" include Stewart's interpolation of Butters' " I've Got Some Apples" jingle.


Critical reception

''Dear God, I Hate Myself'' received positive reviews upon release. ''Dear God, I Hate Myself'' holds a 74/100 on
Metacritic Metacritic is an American website that aggregates reviews of films, television shows, music albums, video games, and formerly books. For each product, the scores from each review are averaged (a weighted average). Metacritic was created ...
, indicating "generally favorable" reviews. ''
AllMusic AllMusic (previously known as All-Music Guide and AMG) is an American online database, online music database. It catalogs more than three million album entries and 30 million tracks, as well as information on Musical artist, musicians and Mus ...
'' gave ''Dear God, I Hate Myself'' four stars out of five. ''
The Boston Globe ''The Boston Globe,'' also known locally as ''the Globe'', is an American daily newspaper founded and based in Boston, Massachusetts. The newspaper has won a total of 27 Pulitzer Prizes. ''The Boston Globe'' is the oldest and largest daily new ...
'' gave ''Dear God, I Hate Myself'' favorable reviews. '' Drowned in Sound'' gave ''Dear God, I Hate Myself'' a 7/10, saying that "influences are thrown in and bounced around with the mania of a '' Take A Break'' prizewinner's trolley dash". ''
MusicOMH ''MusicOMH'' (stylized as ''musicOMH'') is a London-based online music magazine which publishes independent reviews, features and interviews from across all genres including classical, metal, rock and R&B. History ''MusicOMH'' was founded an ...
'' gave ''Dear God, I Hate Myself'' 4 stars out of 5, stating that it "covers a considerable range of sounds." ''
Pitchfork A pitchfork or hay fork is an agricultural tool used to pitch loose material, such as hay, straw, manure, or leaves. It has a long handle and usually two to five thin tines designed to efficiently move such materials. The term is also applie ...
'' gave ''Dear God, I Hate Myself'' a 7.3/10, remarking that "with
Caralee McElroy Caralee McElroy (born December 27, 1983) is a Brooklyn-based American multi-instrumentalist who has played in the bands Xiu Xiu, XXL, and Cold Cave. Biography McElroy was born in Olympia, WA and was raised in Modesto, California and Seattle, Was ...
gone, Jamie Stewart enlists new guests and experiments with 8-bit textures. It's still Xiu Xiu though: look at the title." ''
PopMatters ''PopMatters'' is an international online magazine of cultural criticism that covers aspects of popular culture. ''PopMatters'' publishes reviews, interviews, and essays on cultural products and expressions in areas such as music, television, ...
'' gave ''Dear God, I Hate Myself'' a 6/10. ''
Slant Magazine ''Slant Magazine'' is an American online publication that features reviews of movies, music, TV, DVDs, theater, and video games, as well as interviews with actors, directors, and musicians. The site covers various film festivals like the New Yor ...
'' gave ''Dear God, I Hate Myself'' four stars out of five, calling it "Xiu Xiu's most vibrant album since ''
Fabulous Muscles ''Fabulous Muscles'' is the third studio album by American experimental band Xiu Xiu, released on February 17, 2004 on 5 Rue Christine. The album marked a change in the band's sound, described as a depressive mix between experimental rock and ...
''". ''
Spin Spin or spinning most often refers to: * Spin (physics) or particle spin, a fundamental property of elementary particles * Spin quantum number, a number which defines the value of a particle's spin * Spinning (textiles), the creation of yarn or thr ...
'' and ''
Tiny Mix Tapes ''Tiny Mix Tapes'' (also ''TMT'' or ''tinymixtapes'') is an online music and film webzine that focuses primarily on new music and related news. In addition to its reviews, it is noted for its subversive, political, and sometimes surreal news, ...
'' both gave ''Dear God, I Hate Myself'' four stars out of five. The latter compared ''Dear God, I Hate Myself'' to the likes of
Orchestral Manoeuvres in the Dark Orchestral Manoeuvres in the Dark (OMD) are an English electronic music, electronic band formed in Meols, Merseyside in 1978 by Andy McCluskey (vocals, bass guitar) and Paul Humphreys (keyboards, vocals). Regarded as pioneers of electronic musi ...
,
Joy Division Joy Division were an English Rock music, rock band formed in Salford in 1976. The group consisted of vocalist, guitarist and lyricist Ian Curtis, guitarist and keyboardist Bernard Sumner, bassist Peter Hook and drummer Stephen Morris (musici ...
and
Deerhoof Deerhoof is an American musical group formed in San Francisco in 1994. It consists of founding drummer Greg Saunier, bassist and singer Satomi Matsuzaki, and guitarists John Dieterich and Ed Rodriguez. Beginning as an improvised noise punk band ...
.


Track listing

All tracks written by Jamie Stewart except for "
Cumberland Gap The Cumberland Gap is a Mountain pass, pass in the Eastern United States, eastern United States through the long ridge of the Cumberland Mountains, within the Appalachian Mountains and near the tripoint of Kentucky, Virginia, and Tennessee. At&n ...
" (Traditional)


Credits

*Recorded in
Oakland, CA Oakland is a city in the East Bay region of the San Francisco Bay Area in the U.S. state of California. It is the county seat and most populous city in Alameda County, California, Alameda County, with a population of 440,646 in 2020. A major We ...
and
Durham, NC Durham ( ) is a city in the U.S. state of North Carolina and the county seat of Durham County. Small portions of the city limits extend into Orange County and Wake County. With a population of 283,506 in the 2020 census, Durham is the four ...
*Mixed by
Greg Saunier Gregory Lovell Saunier ( , born 18 May 1969) is a musician, producer, and composer best known as the drummer and founding member of Deerhoof. ''Rolling Stone'' included Saunier alongside Brian Chippendale (of Lightning Bolt) and Zach Hill ( ...
*Produced by Thee Fallings Out Brose *Design by Joe Stewart *Sticker by J. Morrison *Mastered by Brent Lambert at Kitchen * Immaculata Catholic School Orchestra conducted by Consolata Lopez *All songs published by Will It Burn Music BMI except "
Cumberland Gap The Cumberland Gap is a Mountain pass, pass in the Eastern United States, eastern United States through the long ridge of the Cumberland Mountains, within the Appalachian Mountains and near the tripoint of Kentucky, Virginia, and Tennessee. At&n ...
" (Traditional) on "Gray Death": *Greg Saunier – mandolin, guitar, synth *
Ches Smith Ches Smith is an American musician, whose primary instruments are drums, percussion, and vibraphone. He recorded and performed an album of his own solo percussion pieces entitled ''Congs for Brums'' (2006). In 2010 he released ''Noise to Men''. ...
– timpani, snare * Jamie Stewart – vox, guitar, the bass guitar, gongs, tambourine, electronic percussion, track whistles, bird calls, snare *Immaculata Catholic School Orchestra – strings on "Chocolate Makes You Happy": *
Angela Seo Hyunhye Seo, professionally known as Angela Seo, is an American singer-songwriter, multi-instrumentalist and vocalist best known for her role in American experimental band Xiu Xiu. Seo joined Xiu Xiu in 2009, and has contributed to every studio ...
– piano *Jamie Stewart – vox, programming, guitar, the bass guitar, harmonium, synth, gongs, samples on "Apple for a Brain": *Ches Smith – moog, cymbal *Angela Seo – vox *Jamie Stewart – vox, game boy, optigan, samples, desk bell, chamberlin, bird call on "House Sparrow": *Ches Smith – moog *Greg Saunier – the bass guitar, electronic percussion, hand claps *Jamie Stewart – vox, programming, guitar, hand claps, synth, harmonium on "Hyunhye's Theme": *Gabrielle Ataladye – cello *Angela Seo – programming *Jamie Stewart – vox, guitar, percussion, tenor recorder, samples, piano, synth on "Dear God, I Hate Myself": *Greg Saunier – the bass guitar *Angela Seo – vox *Jamie Stewart – vox, game boy, guitar, the bass guitar, castanets, tambourine, optigan, percussion on "Secret Motel": *Jamie Stewart – vox, game boy, guitar, samples, stylophone, synth on "Falkland Rd.": *Caralee McElroy – the bass guitar, electronics *Greg Saunier – electronic percussion, samples *Ches Smith – snare, vibraphone *Jamie Stewart – vox, piano, programming, guitar, synth, optigan, electronics, celeste, glockenspiel *Immaculata Catholic School Orchestra – strings on "The Fabrizio Palumbo Retaliation": *Caralee McElroy – bass synth, electronics, flute *Greg Saunier – drum set *Ches Smith – drum set *Jamie Stewart – vox, piano, programming, guitar, the bass guitar, electronics, bird call, percussion, organ, tambourine on "Cumberland Gap": *
John Dieterich John is a common English name and surname: * John (given name) * John (surname) John may also refer to: New Testament Works * Gospel of John, a title often shortened to John * First Epistle of John, often shortened to 1 John * Second Ep ...
– drum set, quatro, dobro, percussion, the bass guitar *Jamie Stewart – vox, banjo on "This Too Shall Pass Away (for Freddy)": *Greg Saunier – guitar, synth *Angela Seo – synth *Ches Smith – bongos, kalimba, cymbal *Jamie Stewart – vox, programming, the bass guitar, organ, guitar *Immaculata Catholic School Orchestra – brass, woodwinds on "Impossible Feeling": *Gabrielle Ataylada – cello *Greg Saunier – electronic percussion *Angela Seo – piano *Ches Smith – drum set, conga *Jamie Stewart – vox, string arr., the bass guitar, tuning forks, cymbals, harmonium


References

{{Authority control 2010 albums Xiu Xiu albums Kill Rock Stars albums