''Frozen Assets'' is a 1992 American

comedy film The comedy film is a film genre that emphasizes humor. These films are designed to amuse audiences and make them laugh. Films in this genre typically have a happy ending, with dark comedy being an exception to this rule. Comedy is one of the o ...

directed by George T. Miller. It stars Shelley Long and

Corbin Bernsen Corbin Dean Bernsen (born September 7, 1954) is an American actor and film director. He appeared as divorce attorney Arnold Becker on the NBC drama series ''L.A. Law'',

Plot

Los Angeles bank executive Zach Shepard takes a new job at a

sperm bank A sperm bank, semen bank, or cryobank is a facility or enterprise which purchases, stores and sells human semen. The semen is produced and sold by men who are known as sperm donation, sperm donors. The sperm is purchased by or for other persons f ...

in Oregon. After some initial confusion, Zach and the sperm bank's doctor, Grace Murdock, deal with a shortage of donations by holding a contest with a $100,000 prize. Men abstain from sex to save themselves for donations while a local brothel protests the sperm bank for having ruined its business. Zach is assisted by Newton, an escaped mental patient who lives with his mother.

Cast

* Shelley Long as Dr. Grace Murdock *

Corbin Bernsen Corbin Dean Bernsen (born September 7, 1954) is an American actor and film director. He appeared as divorce attorney Arnold Becker on the NBC drama series ''L.A. Law'',

as Zach Shepard * Larry Miller as Newton Patterson *

Dody Goodman Dody Goodman (October 28, 1914 – June 22, 2008) was an American character actress. She played the mother of the title character in the television series '' Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman'', her distinctive high-pitched voice announcing the ...

as Mrs. Patterson * Gerrit Graham as Lewis Crandall * Matt Clark as J.F. Hughes

Filming

Filming took place in

Portland, Oregon Portland ( ) is the List of cities in Oregon, most populous city in the U.S. state of Oregon, located in the Pacific Northwest region. Situated close to northwest Oregon at the confluence of the Willamette River, Willamette and Columbia River, ...

and at the

Columbia River Gorge The Columbia River Gorge is a canyon of the Columbia River in the Pacific Northwest of the United States. Up to deep, the canyon stretches for over as the river winds westward through the Cascade Range, forming the boundary between the state ...

Reception

The film bombed at the box office, only earning $376,008 in the United States, and contemporary reviews of the film were mostly negative. In his review for the ''

Chicago Sun-Times The ''Chicago Sun-Times'' is a daily nonprofit newspaper published in Chicago, Illinois, United States. Since 2022, it is the flagship paper of Chicago Public Media, and has long held the second largest circulation among Chicago newspaper ...

'', critic

Roger Ebert Roger Joseph Ebert ( ; June 18, 1942 – April 4, 2013) was an American Film criticism, film critic, film historian, journalist, essayist, screenwriter and author. He wrote for the ''Chicago Sun-Times'' from 1967 until his death in 2013. Eber ...

awarded the film a rare zero-stars rating, writing: "I felt like I was an eyewitness to a disaster. If I had been an actor in the film, I would have wondered why all the characters in this movie seem dumber than the average roadkill. What puzzles me is this film's tone. It's essentially a children's film with a dirty mind. This is a movie to watch in appalled silence. To call it the year's worst would be a kindness." On their television show, Ebert's colleague

Gene Siskel Eugene Kal Siskel (January 26, 1946 – February 20, 1999) was an American film critic and journalist for the ''Chicago Tribune'' who co-hosted a movie review television series alongside colleague Roger Ebert. Siskel started writing for the '' ...

said that ''Frozen Assets'' was "one of the dumbest comedies I have ever seen" and that the screening was among most depressing experiences of his 23 years as a professional film critic. Writing in the ''

Los Angeles Times The ''Los Angeles Times'' is an American Newspaper#Daily, daily newspaper that began publishing in Los Angeles, California, in 1881. Based in the Greater Los Angeles city of El Segundo, California, El Segundo since 2018, it is the List of new ...

'', critic Kevin Thomas described the film as "hopeless, a romantic comedy with a tricky premise that demands the utmost in inspiration to carry it off but instead receives only the most trite, stale development" and "synthetic from start to finish," that the writers Klein and Kartozian "reveal little aptitude for writing jokes," and that co-stars Long and Bernsen are "so lightweight that you come away feeling that maybe they really do belong on TV ..and not on the big screen." A review in ''

The Philadelphia Inquirer ''The Philadelphia Inquirer'', often referred to simply as ''The Inquirer'', is a daily newspaper headquartered in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. Founded on June 1, 1829, ''The Philadelphia Inquirer'' is the third-longest continuously operating da ...

'' by Desmond Ryan described the film as "a stillborn comedy" with "the most idiotic script to reach the screen this year," and that it is "the kind of movie that is so wretched you watch it with clenched eyes." Rene Rodriguez of ''

The Miami Herald The ''Miami Herald'' is an American daily newspaper owned by The McClatchy Company and headquartered in Miami-Dade County, Florida. Founded in 1903, it is the fifth-largest newspaper in Florida, serving Miami-Dade, Broward, and Monroe countie ...

'' wrote that the film is "amazingly bad" and "a boring collection of lame one-liners and flat, unfunny comedy," and that "it's hard to imagine a weaker story concept." ''Frozen Assets'' holds a 0% rating on

Rotten Tomatoes Rotten Tomatoes is an American review aggregator, review-aggregation website for film and television. The company was launched in August 1998 by three undergraduate students at the University of California, Berkeley: Senh Duong, Patrick Y. Lee ...

based on nine reviews.

References

External links

* * {{DEFAULTSORT:Frozen Assets (Film) 1992 films Films directed by George T. Miller Films scored by Michael Tavera Films shot in Oregon Films shot in Portland, Oregon 1990s English-language films